In coaching, as in life, being a good listener is essential. When someone is seen and heard, they feel loved. Deep listening improves your relationships, empathy, understanding, and ability to creatively solve problems and conflicts. It is important to make time to reflect and listen to yourself as well. You can increase your self-awareness, self-compassion, and access to higher levels of consciousness. 

There have been plenty of opportunities these days for me to practice listening to my inner dialogue as well as listening to understand people I care about who have different opinions and experiences than mine!

In my book, Living From the Center Within: Co-Creating Who You Are Becoming, chapter 12 Relating from Your Center Within offers more thoughts, reflections, stories, and practices to foster your authentic listening skills. Here are a few excerpts from this chapter. It begins:

When we embody higher consciousness, we call each other forward to live as our whole and Holy selves.

There is a timeless teaching from the Sufi tradition on the value of authentic speaking:

Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates.

At the first gate, ask yourself, ‘Is it true?’

At the second ask, ‘Is it necessary?’

At the third gate ask ‘Is it kind?’

Ben-Ami Scharfstein, Mystical Experience, (Indianapolis: Bobbs-Merrill, 1973).

Actively listening in this way creates time and space for the other person to be heard and understood, letting him or her know his or her experience (and therefore person) matters. When we are authentically listening, we do not have to agree, just understand and validate the other person. If we have the ability to deeply listen, even if the other person is blaming, judging, or defending, this transforming practice of being heard usually de-escalates the speaker and brings him or her back to calm. From this point of connection, we can move into productive conversation.

When we are engaged in trusting relationships and are committed to practicing our own self-awareness, it is not necessary to be at the same level of consciousness. I remember a time when my daughter was in high school and decided to stay out way past her midnight curfew without checking in. By 12:30, I was livid. By 1:30, I was terrified. This was highly unusual. It was before the era of cell phones. I felt helpless and afraid. She strolled in around 2am. I greeted her with an explosion of relief, anger, and exhaustion. I had enough sense to tell her we would talk in the morning.

Her morning came sometime early afternoon. I was refreshed, calm and open to listening to what had occurred the previous night. I was curious about her process for deciding to violate curfew without a word of discussion or calling. After she had a bite to eat and was awake and relaxed, we sat down to converse. 

I began by telling her, “When you did not come home by midnight as is our agreed upon curfew, I was worried and felt angry, confused and afraid. I expect you to be home by midnight or call if there is an extenuating circumstance.” 

She replied, “You are the most unreasonable mean mom ever! No one else at my high school has such a ridiculously early curfew!”

I could feel my jaw clench and my frustration arise. I took a deep breath and asked a question. “Not one other person at your high school has a curfew of midnight?” I knew, of course, several of her friends had the same curfew. 

“Hardly any,” was her response. 

I waited. She went on to say that the previous evening was a special party. Her soccer team, where she was the captain, had won a big game, and they were celebrating at someone’s house. 

“Why didn’t you ask permission for an exception to your curfew?” She answered by telling me I am generally inflexible and have a history of not listening to her point of view, so she decided not to risk asking and being declined. She went on to say it was very important for her to be there until the party ended, and she would have been embarrassed leaving early, so she decided to suffer the consequences instead of asking for permission to be out beyond curfew. 

I was listening and could feel her sincerity. I summarized what she had said, validating her experience of feeling nervous, hesitant and torn about asking for permission before she went out. Even if I did not agree with her, I could understand her perspective. 

“Is there more?” I asked. 

She relaxed, softened and opened further. She reminded me she really likes to sleep, and often at the end of a long day of school and sports, having the excuse to be home at midnight due to her curfew is great because she is tired. She apologized for not being home on time, not calling and making me feel afraid and angry. She actually had heard me. We agreed to talk and listen with open hearts when these exceptional late-night opportunities arise in the future. We both felt heard, we both felt loved. Being listened to is so closely connected to being loved that most of us feel they are one in the same. In the sacred space created in authentic relationships, we call each other forward towards higher consciousness.

A powerful transforming practice in relationships is deep listening. In my coaching practice, I speak of this so often I have made business cards with the key points of authentic communication. One side lists the steps of authentic listening:

Wishing you all the best as you consider deepening your listening skills. You and everyone you interact with thanks you in advance!

Connect with me for a complimentary 20-minute consultation here.